Finn Part 12

The warmth of both the fire and his embrace lulled Finn into a sleep state pretty soon. As soon as her breathing had calmed and Jaime was convinced she was asleep, he got up from the floor and made himself a cup of coffee. From the couch, he stared at her sleeping form. She stirred in her slumbers a few times. But not that bad. She wasn’t looking for babies this time. Whatever had happened that night, she’d made peace with the house. He had felt it the moment he’d picked her up from the floor. Whatever had been stirring, it wasn’t there anymore. And neither was it inside of her. As he sat there and watched her, the thought crept over him how wrong it might have ended. The house and its spirits could easily have won if she’d not been to that attic first.

He had not read her grandmother’s diary, but what he had seen up there was enough for him to piece things together. How could they never have told her she’d had a brother? Alex had always assured everyone Finn had been an only child. It would have made so much clear to her. There were still so many questions unanswered to Jaime. And he wasn’t sure if he was the person to whom Finn would tell it all. As long as she could work through them though, that was important.

Finn had slept for several hours when her phone rang. It was still in the pocket of her joggers. The trembling more than the sound woke her up. Without opening her eyes, she dug it up and answered.

“What? My father? What’s wrong?” She was suddenly wide awake. She sat up, eyes wide. There wasn’t even time to figure out where she was, although she saw Jaime sitting on the couch, looking at her worried.

“Bad fall. Hospital. Oh, damn. Fractured hip.”

Jaime sat up. “Yes, of course, I’ll come over. Text me the address please.”

She shot up. “I have to go to Dundee.” She said frantically.

“What happened?”

“My dad broke his hip. He’s in the hospital. My car…”

Jaime had gotten up with her. “Calm down.” His hands were on her shoulders. “Look at me, Finn.”

She did. His strong calmness seeped over into her. “Dundee is a long way away. I’ll come with you. We’ll go by your father's place to pack a few things and yours for an overnight so we can always stay over if it comes to that.”

“Who made you the adult?” She asked. He merely smiled. “Is that a plan?”

“Yes.”

After what she’d gone through that night, she was in no condition to spend hours behind the wheel of her car. Besides, if he’d drive, she’d have time to figure out what to say to her father.

Jaime parked his car beside hers at the house. “Want me to run up there?” He pointed up. She shook her head. “I got this. You’re welcome to come and make snacks for on the road though.” She suggested. “I think I’m rather hungry.”

“Of course.” She’d probably been away from home since the night before. “Want to tell me something about what happened here last night?”

She shrugged. Together they walked up to the back door. It didn’t escape Jaime’s notice she headed for the door to the utility room.

“I guess I made peace with the house.” She unlocked the door and stepped in. Before she could feel anything, her phone rang again. It was the hospital about her father’s surgery. Their ward was full and they could either transfer him to another city or a private hospital close by. “They’re specialised in this kind of surgery. They’re very good. You might have to pay part of the bill yourselves though. Your father told me to take it up with you.”

“Oh.” She saw Jaime look at her with worry in his eyes. She smiled and ran her hand over his cheek. She needed him to know she was good.

“That’s fine. I want him to get the best care possible. And if they can help him right away, that’s splendid. Tell him we’re on our way over.” “I’ll tell him.”

When Finn hung up the phone, she was already well within the house. She’d not even noticed she’d walked in further.

She explained the phone call. Not that Jaime needed to know, but it felt nice not to have to think of everything alone.

“Right. I’ll pack a few things for my father. He’ll be at the hospital for a few days.” She ran up the stairs.

Jaime watched her disappear. It felt different to be here. He’d been here often. This floor had different moods. Right now he couldn’t make out any of it.

“Is there anything worth stealing here?” Finn came back down and dropped a bag near the door before walking into the kitchen.

She could hear the oven.

“Found some bake-off bread and chicken in the freezer. Making sandwiches, we can eat in the car.” He handed her a cup of coffee. “While milady waits. You can wait upstairs if you want.”

Finn shook her head. “I’m good.” She leaned to the kitchen counter and looked around the room. For the first time in years, she properly looked at it. It could do with a fresh coat of paint and some restoration.

But all in all, it was a beautiful room. It felt friendly here. And Finn was sure it wasn’t just Jaime. Generations of housekeepers, maids, cooks and what not more had worked here.

“Did you perform an exorcism?” Jaime stood next to her, facing the counter, slicing up chicken.

“Something like that.”

She saw he wanted to ask more questions. She put her finger to his lips to prevent it. “Shh.”

And when he frowned, she spoke. “A lot happened here. To me, but not only to me. I have to…”

To her joy, he smiled. “You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want. But if you do want to talk, I’m there for you.”

“Thank you. You’re a real friend.” He put the knife down and turned towards her. She didn’t need a written invitation and let him pull her into a hug.

He was such a remarkable person, she thought later. They were in the car together. He’d told her she should get some more sleep, but she didn’t want to. She sat there, trying to figure him out. He had been hurt. He’d lost the love of his life. And yet he had managed to get through and be the same amazing person he had been. Or had it been the loss that had made him so sensitive and kind? He had told her a few things about Catherine, all lovely and nice. Although she’d, of course, had to have had her drawbacks as well.

“What are you thinking?” Jaime wanted to know.

She shrugged, not wanting him to know she was thinking about his former wife. They did not have that kind of relationship.

“Finn?” He urged. “Whatever it is, it’s fine you know. We’ve been through a few things together now.” He could guess where her brain was taking her.

“I was thinking of Catherine.”

“My Catherine?” Finn nodded. “I know I shouldn’t. I don’t know.”

“What do you want to know?” He didn’t seem to have any trouble talking about her.

“What kind of person was she?”

“Kind, sweet. She’d give away her last money if she thought someone else needed it more. And she loved giving me the notion I had something to say.”

Finn laughed at that.

“She was so indecisive. It could annoy me beyond belief. She needed me, and I loved her for it. No one had needed me before.” He had such a warm smile when he told her.

“That’s us, needy women.”

“You’re not needy at all.” He defended her.

“Ehm… do I need to remind you that you had to come to…”

They’d reached her apartment. He went up with her to refill their coffees.

“You never needed me. With the concussion, we should have called an ambulance, as your father suggested. At the house, you wouldn’t even have been there if not for me. And last night? You didn’t need me. You fixed it all by yourself. You fix everything on your own.”

“I wish it were true. The facts show a different picture.”

He stopped her on her way to the bedroom. “Finn. Don’t ever believe that. You are so used to being self-reliant, that it doesn’t even occur to you to call for help. Not when you have a serious concussion, not when you walk into a possibly hostile situation. We’re not talking removing spiders from the shower here. You don’t need anyone.” He was right. She was so used to venting for herself, that it hadn’t even crossed her mind the night before that she could call anyone. Same with her concussion, or that night at the house. She could have called him. She hadn’t. He’d come over out of his own free will.

“Thank you.” She wasn’t sure what for, but it felt like a vote of confidence.

“You’re welcome. Now go pack. We have a long way ahead of us.”

They arrived at the clinic late in the evening. Alex was still asleep after having been under narcosis for the operation. He looked peaceful enough.

“He’ll probably sleep all night through.” The nurse said. She was a somewhat older, friendly woman. “If he wakes up, I’ll tell him you were here.”

She’d caught Jaime and Finn at the door. The reception was deserted during the night. The doctor had already left, after the operation. Finn couldn’t see how many rooms were taken, but it did feel peaceful enough.

“That’s fine. You have my number if anything comes up. We better get to the hotel.”

On the way to Dundee, Finn had booked her and Jaime into a hotel. It seemed something was going on in the city because there wasn’t a hotel in town that could provide them with two rooms. They had to settle for a twin before there wasn’t a room at all anymore. At check-in, even that proved rather hard.

“I’m sorry, all I have is a double.” The night manager told them apologetically. Finn was too tired to object. Jaime didn’t mind much either. Not like they’d never shared a bed before.

“That’s okay. We need to sleep.” He said as he took the key.

The bed was big enough. It was quite a posh room.

“If you want a dive in that tub, I won’t look,” Jaime said when they checked it out.

“Maybe tomorrow. For now, how about a pyjama party and a cup of tea?”

“Splendid.”

All of a sudden Finn didn’t know how to behave. Jaime made it very easy on her. “Why don’t I go stretch my legs for a minute?” He suggested. “Got a bit cramped up from driving so long.” Finn had half-heartedly offered to take the wheel for a while, he’d declined.

“Don’t let me chase you out, Jaime.”

“Don’t worry. I saw there’s a 24hr shop around the corner. Do you need anything?”

She shook her head.

By the time Jaime got back, she was in her pyjamas in the bed, sipping tea and watching TV.

He handed her a big bar of chocolate. “I believe this is your favourite?” He’d seen them in her kitchen at New Year’s Eve.

“It is indeed.” She took it from him. He took his bag and changed in the bathroom.

It didn’t feel awkward at all when he stepped onto the bed next to her. They started on opposite sides, but in their sleep, they moved towards each other. Finn woke up with her head on his arm. For a while she lay there, smiling, feeling safe. The calm that she’d experienced the day before seemed to creep further into her system.

In his sleep, Jaime pulled her even closer. She gladly obliged.

The sun shone in on them brightly that morning. Jaime stirred and made Finn sit up. She’d dozed off, but not fallen asleep anymore.

“Morning, beauty.” He greeted her. He sat up behind her and after wrapping his arm around her shoulder, kissed her temple.

“Good morning. Had a good sleep?” She already knew the answer. “Splendid. You want to shower first?”

After breakfast, they went back to the clinic. Alex sat up in bed, telling them he’d already had his first walk that morning. The doctor joined them to bring Finn up to speed. Her father would have to spend four more nights at the clinic. “You could go home sooner, but experience teaches us that staying that extra two nights, reduces the risks of complications enormously. After that, you can go home, provided there’s someone…”

Alex looked hopefully at Finn. Jaime was a little more reluctant.

“Can he walk stairs?” She didn’t answer the unasked question yet.

“I would advise against that for at least the first eight weeks. Maybe a bed in the living room? Or if that’s a problem, there’s always intermediate care.”

Finn looked at her father and could imagine what he was thinking. The lower ground floor had a completely accessible bathroom, bedroom, and sitting room. He was, of course, oblivious to what his daughter had been through since he’d left.

Jaime didn’t say anything on purpose. “Why don’t I get us a cup of coffee from the shop in the hall?” When the doctor stared at him, he added. “Believe me when I say that this family thrives on their coffees.” He didn’t want to know what Finn would discuss with her father.

“We’ll talk about it,” Finn promised, and the doctor left.

“Finn.” Her father begged her. The fall and operation had made him look like a frail old man. The crisp white of the bed linen didn’t help much in that respect.

“I’m not going to discuss anything right now,” Finn said. “But we will have to talk about things later. Do you want to come home?”

“You heard the doctor. I can only…”

“I asked do you want to. We can update the lower ground floor with a stair lift to the ground floor if you want.”

“Finn?”

“Dad? I don’t think we can do this in three days, so it might mean intermediate care until we can have it done.”

“But after that, I can come home?”

Finn nodded.

“And who’s going to take care of me?”

“We can get home care. And I suppose I can help out as well. For the time being.”

“Would you? I mean…” He wondered if it was the anaesthetic still in his blood that made her seem so different. She looked calmer, kinder almost.

She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.

“Finn, what happened?” He was worried about her. He needed her to be strong for him but had to be careful about her boundaries. She’d gone over the edge once before. He wouldn’t want to be responsible for it happening again.

“As I said, we’re not talking about that now. So? Intermediate care while we get the rooms ready for you?”

He nodded. Part of him knew he should refuse. He would ask too much of her. She didn’t give him room to talk about anything else.

Jaime came back with coffee. Carefully he checked out the mood. “My dad has agreed to go to intermediate care after he’s dismissed here, so we have time to update the downstairs rooms and bathroom for him. We can also have a stair lift installed so that he can get to his library and things.” She said curtly.

They agreed that Jaime would go home to start the work and Finn would stay in Dundee with her father. She didn’t want Jaime to go, but couldn’t bloody well ask him to stay to keep her company. Alex was on a tough training schedule but taken that he was nearly 80yrs old, he didn’t heal as quickly as he’d wanted to. While he was at the clinic, Finn refrained from talking to him about the house. Jaime sometimes called to inquire after his health and for his input on the colours etcetera. In five days he’d stripped the rooms of their wallpaper and carpeting. He didn’t want to start on painting or anything yet. Instinctively he felt that Finn should be there. It was her house after all. She’d beaten the house ghosts in submission. The next step would be taking ownership of the house. Would she live there after her father would be gone? Jaime didn’t know that. He wanted her to see it was an option though. It had been in the family for so long. It would be a shame if she’d sell it because she didn’t like it.

After five days Alex was moved to intermediate care in Dumbarton. “Castle View?” He’d said with a sarcastic undertone. “That’s where old people go to die.” He had given Finn carte blanche.

“It’s also a place stubborn people go to get better before they can go home. The other option is further away from home. Now I can stop by on my way back from the house. But if you’d rather…”

Finn got to ride in the back of the ambulance with him. They’d discussed it with his doctor. Sitting up for such a long journey was not wise. Alex was exhausted by the time they reached the home. He was transferred to a bed and left it to Finn to do the intake. “He’s still very much on top of things, so I will not be acting as his solicitor. Usually, he will have me involved in his decisions, but if he's stubborn, it’s his decision.”

Because her car was still at the house, Jaime picked her up. He checked in on Alex, who was snoring loudly. It was passed one in the afternoon.

“Hey stranger, how are you?” He wanted to know. He pulled her close and hugged her. Five days had felt like an eternity. Even if he had been busy.

“Great. How are you?” His clothes were a bit dusty. Finn stretched out her hand and pulled a lost piece of wallpaper that had gotten stuck from his hair.

“Busy. Emily and I have prepared lunch if you’re hungry.”

“Quite, yes. Thank you.” It was easy to let him take care of her, she found. Way too easy.

In the car, she brought him up to speed. Somehow it seemed right to explain her decisions concerning her father, to him. As if he was part of the process. He noticed it, yet didn’t mention it. He knew how hard it was for her to involve others. Probably because he was a good friend of her father, that she told him.

“Did the two of you talk about…?” He nodded towards the house as he parked the car.

She shook her head. “He had enough to be getting on with. I don’t want to do that to him when he’s not feeling well.” She should, and soon. He could not come home before she’d talked to him about things. About Darren, about her mother.

“He hid a brother from me, Jaime. I am pissed about it.” She suddenly said, out of the blue. It had bottled up for days. “I had a brother, and no one had the decency to tell me.”

“I know.” They were in the kitchen. “You have every right to be pissed about that.”

She’d had plenty of time to herself in Dundee. She drank loads of tea at the beach. It was quiet there, this time of year. She’d had time to think.

Jaime couldn’t quite assess what she wanted at that moment. He doubted if she knew. “It was the baby from your dreams, wasn’t it?”

Finn nodded. “He was locked away there, in that room. At least I think you…”

Jaime nodded. “It was where I first sought you, when… What happened?”

“Official reading, crib death.”

It sounded sinister. “And I wish I could believe that. I’m not sure though. And I don’t think I’ll ever find out.”

Jaime stood opposite of her, cupped her cheek. “What did they do to you, Finn?” Finn stared at him for several full seconds. Then she shook her head. She didn’t want to tell him.

Her refusal didn't hurt him. Instead, he moved closer, wrapped his arms around her. “You’re so strong.” He said. Finn laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“I’m not.” She whispered to his chest.”

“Don’t contradict me on this. You are. You are the strongest person I know.”

“Thank you for being here for us.” She said. “For me. Sorry for taking up so much of your precious time.”

“Don’t worry about it, not as if I have anywhere else to be.” He chuckled.

After lunch, they started on the paintwork. Jaime talked her into having dinner at his place. His home was so comfortable. If her house could only be half that warm, she’d love it. Right now it still felt too empty and too big.

As if he knew what she was thinking, he answered. “It’s going to be great, you’ll see.” She had seen the design, the colour schemes, but couldn’t feel into it yet.

Finn found that she didn’t want to go home. Glasgow seemed so cold and so far away that evening. It would be easy to stay and never look back. She didn’t want to hurt Jaime though. And in the end, that’s all she ever did. He had been hurt enough.

She’d not noticed it last time she’d been here. She’d barely noticed anything that time. But he had a picture of him and Catherine on standing on the dresser, between pictures of his parents and the rest of his family.

He saw her gaze. “She’s an important part of my life. She will always be.” He explained calmly. There had not been anyone since. Maybe that was pathetic, but it hadn’t felt right. He had tried dating a few times until he had fully crashed. He had found that he could be alone very well. The memory of Catherine didn’t haunt him anymore. He dared to be happy with his life again. “There’s no need to hide that.”

Finn nodded. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it. In everything, he’d said and done it was clear that he had learned to deal with his loss. That though an important part of his life, it was in the past. Was she looking for a way out? To prove to herself this too would end in heartbreak?

Jaime didn’t know how to handle the situation either.

“How do you do that?”

“What?”

“Move on.”

“Keep breathing. Keep living one day. And another, and another. Right until you feel the pain is not as bad anymore. That merely thinking of her doesn’t reduce you to tears anymore. And after you’ve been through the hell of missing her, the good memories come back. Her smile, the way she could not make toast. That she told you to continue living your life and wanting you to be happy.”

“I…” Finn was lost for words.

“I know.” He gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. It’s hard. I can only imagine what you have been through. At the moment it feels like you’re in a pressure cooker. The house needs work. Your father is not well. So much distraction.”

He understood. “Someday you’ll be passed all that.” He promised.  “You’ll look back on it and see what I’ve seen all along. That you’re a survivor. That you’re strong. And I only hope that you’ll also see that you don’t have to fight alone.” He didn’t want her to be alone anymore. What he did want, however, was not quite clear either. Was he ready to start something with someone so damaged? With someone who was so used to shutting people out that she didn’t ask for help unless it was almost too late?

Finn wondered about the same thing. She wanted to involve him. She tried. It was her default reaction to shut everyone out though.

“You better get home.” Jaime got up. “Unless you wanted to spend the night.”

“Not tonight. I better get home. Thank you, Jaime.”

She made the first move to hug this time. They’d driven separately to his home. She got into her car. He watched her drive off. He felt the shift in her taking place. They still had a long way to go. All he could do was be there for her. Although his body didn’t agree with him. As they’d been at work that afternoon, he’d seen her stretch out with the paintbrush and saw her beautiful curves. Certainly the first time he looked at a woman that way for a very long time. He’d felt her body in his arms. When she’d been in distress though, his body had not responded to her that way. Those times he wanted to protect her. Make her feel safe. That afternoon her safety had not been on his mind.